I am what I am
by KrissyME
Summary: Bernie is living in a hotel, can she find Alex and convince her she is the one she loves and wants to spend the rest of her life with?
Chapter 1 Bernie stood next to her car, her head bowed her arms leaning on the roof, she had to do it and now. Before going home she had booked in to a 4 star hotel in the centre of the city near the hospital. Her heart was pounding as she put the key into the lock her hand shook, she had to do this, she had never loved Marcus they way she should have, she thought she had but she now knew what true love was, seeing Alex again had made her realise that. Laying in the bed in the hotel she thought of what she had done, the burden she had carried on her shoulders had lifted, she was who she was now, no lies no hiding her true self not now. She just hoped it had not been too late to sort things out with Alex. Her mind drifted back to when she had first met Alex. Alex was a newly qualified anaesthetist she had spent time in Frimley park hospitals military unit. Both had been deployed to Afghanistan at the same time, Alex being new to their unit. They had had a really hard day both had been affected by the death of one of the soldiers they thought was going to make it but his injuries had been so sever that he died that afternoon, they were both upset along with the rest of the team that had been in theatre with them. They were hoping he would make it back to the UK. They had all gathered in the Rest room they had a few beers that were allowed each of the personnel when off duty, "So Alex what brought you into the army?" Bernie took a swig of beer from the can she was holding. "My Dad was in the RAMC and Mum was a QARN, she gave it up when my brother and I were born Dad continued so I guess it was just a natural progression for me to join up too. What about you?" "Similar to you really only Dad was in the marines, I qualified as a Doctor in the NHS but joined up right away. I've worked my way up the ranks," They had worked together a lot and spent a lot of time off duty together, it was after being out at a roadside bombing that they had been alone in Alex's room, one of the soldiers injured was Alex nephew, they were close, he was 21, her brothers eldest son, he had followed his father and grandfather into the army. "I remember Jamie when he was about 2 or 3 he came into the kitchen at home, I was about to go off to do my training and Chris was home on leave, he and Janine had come to dinner that Mum and Dad had put on for me and the family, he had a rifle that made a bang when it shot, he shouted out as kids do your dead Axy, he always called me that, he said he was like daddy. He wanted to go in the army since he could talk." Bernie put her hand on Alex shoulder "There is nothing I can say to make it any better Alex, I'm sorry, he is stable now he's going home in the morning, Alex turned away from her," Bernie felt her shoulders shake under her touch, her heart jumped as she realised that she wanted to put her arms around Alex and hold her close feel her body close to her, she had been denying how she was feeling towards Alex for some time now. She slowly slid her arm around her shoulders, "let it all out Alex it will help," suddenly Alex was clinging to her sobbing in her arms. "Can I trust you Bernie, I need to tell someone, but I have never been able to speak about this, Jamie is like the son I will never have, I love him so very much him and his sister Vicky, she is 18 and just got into university, I will never have children Bernie," "Have you been told you will never have children?" Bernie could feel Alex's arms around her, she felt guilty for the feelings and emotions exploding inside her, she wanted to kiss this woman, she wanted to make love to her. Her head was saying this is not right, not now, her body was sending her totally different messages. "No." "Then there is always a possibility, just need the right man." Bernie's heart did somersaults when Alex shook her head and said, "that will never happen Bernie, I'm gay, I have only ever had one boyfriend, and I realised then I was looking at women not men, we lasted 6 months, I had a girlfriend but you know how the army is." Bernie pulled her closer and sat down on the bed next to her, Alex had looked into her eyes and Bernie had felt herself go weak, she knew then that she was in love with this woman. Their first kiss was just a whisper of a touch on the lips, Bernie for a split second thought her heart was on course to arrest, she felt a hot fire burn through her whole body, Alex had reached up and put her hand on Bernie's cheek, by now Bernie felt like there was molton lava running through her veins, her whole body was weak. Alex was right in front of her now her green eyes staring into hers. Bernie could resist no longer, their kiss shared passion and longing. They made love that night. Risking their whole careers but they didn't care. Bernie had sneaked back to her own bed, the next morning she felt guilty as the situation had been wrong, Alex's nephew was critical, and she had made love to a vulnerable woman for her own selfish lust. Alex had lay in her bed after Bernie had left, she was stunned that she had done what she had done, she had found Bernie attractive on their first meeting she had fantasised about making love to her, but Bernie being married she had thought it would never happen, had she taken advantage of Bernie because of Jamie? Bernie drifted off to sleep, the next morning she left for work, her mind set on finding Alex.


End file.
